I hug Death ( Kanchi Os )

Darkness

I close my eyes as I lean back into the head board of the bed. Why ? I think again, as my memories drift back to you… like they do everyday.. Every moment…all the time.

I gaze at my hands. They look old… I never noticed though… last time I looked at them was probably when you gifted me that bracelet… when you made me wear it with your hands. They looked beautiful… now they are just ugly… maybe due to nothing at all.

I sigh as I throw my legs off the bed. Grabbing a photograph of yours from the millions in my room, I walk up to the mirror. I gaze at the photograph I had picked. It’s us. Me staring at you like you’re the only star in my sky. You were Kabir. You were laughing after exchanging the spiked drinks on that Mehendi function. My superhero. Your eyes had become these adorably things as you’re smile made me smile. It was the most beautiful thing on earth.

I miss you.

I catch a glimpse of my face in the photograph.. So happy so fresh… THE SANCHI KABIR KAPOOR. Me and you. I catch that smile on my face… huge and soft… in love… with you.

I look at the mirror and gaze at my face… I see my chapped lips, and lifeless eyes. I gaze at the unkept hair and my new face.

I looked pathetic. I admit.

I look at my lips again… you know what I remembered… I remembered those million times when you had tried to bring the million dollar wali smile over there… I remembered that smirk we used to share… those kisses we stole and those pecks of love. I remembered you.

For the sake of all of this… at one moment of time I did try to live again.. To keep that smile intact for which you could do anything… but it never stayed Kabir… it left with you… it left when you did and I bet it did not want to come back.

I watched a tear slide down my cheek. Then another. And another.

I walked slowly to the window and let the cold wind hit my face. I did not bother to brush away the dirt or my hair. My soul had seen something again.

Our balcony Kabir. The balcony of our room. The same balcony on which you had to sleep on the very first night of mine in the house. The same balcony where I used to stand and wait for you. Where you would stand and wait for me. Where we had our thank you and sorry wala setup. Where you consoled me when Veer hurt me. Where you sat and texted me when we started dating.  From where you called me to tell me I look beautiful when we had our movie date.

Today the door was closed and the balcony full of memories. I covered my mouth to stifle the scream that had formed in the Base of my throat. I could feel hot tears racing down my cheeks. Onto my nose, down my neck. I didn’t care.

I miss you Kabir. So much.

You know… Maa sometimes says you might be alive. You’re body was never found, that was her explanation. Neha had so much faith in our love that she says you must be alive. Because our love can’t just die. How do I explain to her that our love can never die.  That I still love you and will love you even after I die. It was not only my heart or mind or body that loved you Kabir, it was my soul… and soul’s never die.

When people say those things, I Look at Maa. We share that glace that says it all.

You remember when Veer was pushed off the cliff,  remember I said I felt him…That I though she was alive… that I knew she was alive? That was because I knew and I felt it.

But I don’t feel you Kabir.

I know you’re gone. I know you’re never coming back. I know that Kabir. We always had that connection didn’t we?  You knowing something was wrong with me and I knowing when something was wrong with you?

And Maa knows too. Her heart is connected to yours Kabir… she’s your mother and she knows too.

I walk back to my bed and sit on it. I see a fruit bowl on the table in front of it. A knife was standing atop it.

I pulled it out and turned it in my hands. It glistened in the moon light. I slowly ran my finger on the blade. I didn’t even wince as I saw blood literally flow from that cut.

Sharp.

I saw you smile and shake your head. I responded with a smirk. I was Sanchi Kabir Kapoor. Remember how annoyed you used to get cause you used to get because I never listened to you. I looked at a picture of you.

I love you Kabir

I pressed the blade into my wrist, ending our story on earth, forever.

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